Julisa’s blog

It is 3:10 in the morning and I'm not asleep. why??  I had a relapse and found out what i smoked Wed night was laced. fun ehh???  But other then that I can't get Justin out of my achie migraine-ie head.  I haven't seen him in 2 weeks.  I went up there the night before his birthday and stayed until about 2am with him.  It was amazing.  He, Ricky and I went to the local Hookah bar.  Smoked it up, shared recent stories, joked around, had fun.  He had his arm around me the whole time...holding my hand, sneaking glances and kisses. It was amazing.  But i do miss him.  I find myself falling in love with him all over again every time we talk.  He always reassures what we have.  He gives me advice for daily things, friend ordeals and what not.  I've confessed to him that He's my one and only, that I've had marriage dreams and whatnot.  He giggled and reciprocated the feelings.  How did I ever get so lucky??  I mean, I am the luckiest girl in the world.  He's amazing in every aspect possible. He treats me like a queen and he protects me.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe I don't deserve him.  But then I realize that everyone gets a chance at Love and this is definately my chance.  We are too perfect together to just roll it off my shoulder.  Ricky says we radiate warmth and love when we're together.  I said that all I notice when I'm around him is the excessive amount of butterflies and electric shocks going through my body.  It's amazing, i love it and i love him.  One of his little brothers is coming down on the 9th from Texas, his name is James and i miss him a lot.  So it will be a lot of fun partying with him and Justin the week that he's down =].  Drinking, smoking, toke-in, it'll be a lot of fun.  =] well my ibprofin for my migraine has finally kicked in so I am now going to go to bed.  night vox world haha =]

It's hilarious how generic love songs gain so much meaning just by a person singing it to you.  One Wish by Ray J was a song that i had heard bits and pieces of since it came out.  I never paid attention to it.  But last night i was on the phone with Justin and he sang it to me.  I cried...and for the first time it was tears of Joy and not of sadness or anger.  That had never happened to me before.  My heart set fire and I realized how deeply i care for this boy..no man that walked into my life only 7 months ago.  We have been through a lot, we know almost everything about each other, we make each other laugh, cry, love.  It's an amazing feeling.  mark my words, the moment get a new car, i will go up to moreno valley and spend as much time with him as possible.  And he will do the same when he gets his car.  I can sincerely say something about he and I...we love each other.  isn't that crazy??  No one has ever reciprocated romantic feelings so seriously.  We are equally infatuated with each other.  I'm not his usual interest, nor is he mine.  But we care about each other so much and find each other so attractive.  I've never experienced something like this.  He calls me with background music of sappy adorable love songs.  He sings them to me and reassures me of his feelings.  I Thank God every moment for bringing him into my life.  Soon, very very soon...we will be each other's one and only.  Once we both have our cars everything will be so much easier.  We will see each other as much as we want.  God I'm in love with this Man.

Ray J - One Wish(1)

So there is 13 days until my 20th birthday.  I have had one boyfriend since my last blog and he hurt me. It lasted 2 weeks (of course).  i had to freakin call Justin and tell him i can't wait for him any longer so i could date this guy with no guilt.  Broke his heart and mine.  So i dated the guy.  Went on 5 dates.  slept with him on the 5th, and he dumped me.  Not because of my efforts in bed, but because he just wanted to get laid.  Typical marine.  I wasn't in love with him so Im not hurting that bad.  it just sucks.  Now im single again and looking....again.  My ex Michael felt bad for all the shit i've been going through so he took me out to pool and a movie. It was SO much fun.  We had a blast and he wants to do it again.  Still, I find my thoughts lingering towards Justin.  Finding myself staring at his number trying to find the strength to call him and tell him i was wrong.  I dont want to make things difficult.  And i know i wont cuz he cares for me.  But yeah, thats pretty much everything. 

I've been back at my parents house for about 5 months now.  And it is already getting to the point where I want to move out again.  My stepfather is a complete jerk.  Everything I do is not good enough and never will be.  Today I told him that I loved him.  He said "ehh okay."  What the heck kind of response is that.  I asked him if he could pick me up from work.  I offered to walk home so not to waste his time, effort and gas.  He begrudgingly picked me up.  I just want to be somewhere where someone actually cares about me.  It seems to be quite the adventure to find.  Even some of my friends don't care about whether I see them or not.  I'm just sick of crying, sick of feeling unwanted.  I'm not going to do anything stupid, mind you.  I'm too strong to take the weakest way out.  I just am hoping and praying for something better to appear.  Something better to take me away from this hell-hole house.  I get yelled at for being with my friends.  I'm too timid to tell them why I'm never home.  Whenever I'm home I'm in my room with the door locked.  No one in, no one out.  Solitude.  My prison.  My cell.  The Warden attempts to peak his ugly face in every once and a while.  I'm just tired of being sick and tired.  My Stepfather doesn't give a shit about me.  It kills me that I love him.  Why can't those feeligns go away.  I want cold hatred to take it's place so I can match his feelings.  It's not possible.  I'm too caring for that. 

13 Emotionless

Heart to Heart

eye to eye

every touch sends shivers down my spine

smiles and laughter erupt

hugs and kisses engulf my memory

memories of lingering eyes

soft, passionate touches

my mind goes wild

sensuality is wanted once again

dreams and memories bring back feelings

thoughts of doubts and lies consume me

does he feel the same?

others say yes, he has said nothing

should i continue the journey

should i accept these feelings

i dont know anymore

i will wait it out

i will pray and wish upon that star

wishing and hoping

praying and loving

02 Lips of an Angel

So I am in Love.  With the same boy I've been talking about in other blogs.  I've been stargazing with him.  I don't know what to do.   I have told him my feelings and he wants to return them.  The thing is that now that i don't have a car I don't know when i can see him.  It hurts me that I can't see him as much as i want to.  We have hung out a lot since valentine's day.  And it was amazing.  We went to Space Mountain with friends and kissed and flirted.  I care about him.  I don't know if it's more than i should.  I have never felt this much about one guy.  He has given me reason to care but I still am skeptical.  I call him and it's a gamble if he answers or not.  We make plans and it's a gamble of whether or not he'll come through.  It hurts me but at the same time i love him and i will wait for him to care.  I will wait as long as he needs me to.  I will wait and i will still dream about him, care about him, be there for him.  Hopefully everything pulls through.

J. Holiday - Suffocate

so lately I've been thinking.  Seems to be all I can do lately.  Usually it's bad for me to overthink things but now it is clearing my mind.  I have realized that it absolutely breaks my heart to have someone a) not confide in me and b) stop talking to me.  I'm basically talking about one man inparticular.  He has never really talked to me apart from mindless flirting and games.  I want to get to know him.  I want to understand where all his beautiful thoughts of this god forsaken world come from.  I read his blogs and I get inspired.  I wish i could take back the things i've done.  for one reason, so that he would have tried at a real friendship instead of a half-ass one.  The memories i have i dont wanna trade.  but if i had a chance at a true friendship i would.  I've known him for so long, yet i know hardly anything about him.  He's so hidden from me.  i don't know if he reads these blogs.  nor do i know if he cares.  i just don't know what to do.  When he comes to visit i never get to see him because he goes and sees his friends.  i guess im just a sidenote in his life.  i wish i could know him better.  oh well.  guess it really doesnt matter.

I feel like I should feel guilty about tihngs that I've done.  Things that I have left unfinished.  Things that have never been done.  Second thoughts about people and places.  Reflections on wonderful nights.  I honestly don't know where to begin.  I don't really know who reads my blogs nor do I care.  This is me in my reflective time, writing out things unsaid.  I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately.  Maybe friendships, Possibly romantic.  Sorting through the past trying to find the things that I've done wrong.  Some are more blatently obvious than others.  I don't know how to fix things, and I want to learn.  It's my nature, to fix things that I have broken.  I have started friendships that are really unnecessary.  I have realized that I need to cool it on online chatrooms and such.  I have started so many conversations with people that I have no desire to meet.  Yet I continue on, talking and chatting.  Draining myself with the massive overload of chat windows on my monitor.  There are people that I adore talking to.  People I know.  Like one of em actually brought me to this site, he is my one and only friend on here lol.  But I think I have messed that friendship up as well.  Which actually breaks my heart.  But anyhoo.  Where was I? ah, yes.  chatting.  I actually think I have wrapped that whole section up.  I don't have the need to reflect on that anymore.  Another thing that has been tearing me apart is sex.  I won't go into detail I'll just say this.  I have come to the conclusion that sex is meaningless unless it's with someone meaningful to you.  I realized that Wednesday night.  In my previous blog I told you about that night.  The romance, the caring.  The few guys I have done things with, i didn't truly care about.  Not as anything more than friends.  This man, this handsome, wonderful man, I care about.  People may dislike him but he's so precious to me.  So I have made up my mind.  Even though he will never feel any differently towards me then he does now, he has changed my outlook.  I refuse to have casual sex from now on.  It broke my heart when my eyes became clear on what I have done.  I will not do that anymore.  It's weird for me to be saying this about this specific man because we had something romantic going on and he had broken it.  He hadn't felt any chemistry between us.  I blame that on myself.  That's one relationship that I have been reflecting on for a while.  Trying to figure out where I went wrong.  I don't know where to begin or end therefore I'll just leave it be until maybe it becomes more obvious for me.  Anyhoo.  All this thinking and reflecting has made me tired so I will depart for now and rest.  toodle-oo

SO that boy is now out of my life.  He's in my dreams and my thoughts but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me.  But whatever, life goes on.  I've been dating lately (which is a big step for me).  I haven't dated in a while.  last saturday night i went to Q-club with a marine from Camp Pendleton.  That was award.  This fool had told me within a week of just talking to him that he loved me.  That's insane.  So I met him and he was acting like a total creeper.  but whatever, it's cool.  Then monday night one of my old best friends calls me up to hang out.  he comes and picks me up and next thing you know he's putting the moves on me.  Totally weird, considering we used to be super close friends.  Then last night was the best night ever!!  My ex and i met up cuz he wanted me to be his first.  SO we did the dirty deed but god he was being so cute about it.  like when we first met up the first thing he did was push me against my car and just kiss me passionately.  it was so adorable.  It took my breath away, truly.  Then afterwards we walked hand in hand under the moonlight through an orange orchard. talking about our friends and memories we've had.  it was adorable.  We returned to the cars and we just sat there hugging each other(and trying to keep warm) for a while.  God it was cute lol.  anyhoo...I'll keep updating this a lil more often.  peace be with you.